• guys: uh why do girls care so much about being skinny? it's so annoying
  • guys: ew fat chicks
  • guys: why do girls care so much about shopping and romance and nail polish lol so annoying
  • guys: ew crazy butch lesbian manly feminazis why can't they act more feminine lol
  • guys: why do girls wear makeup they look so much better without it
  • guys: oh i'm so sorry are you sick? tired? dying?
  • guys: haha girls suck at math/science/sports
  • guys: a girl who does math/science/sports? well? get back in the kitchen that shits not gonna get you a husband
  • guys: why are girls so sensitive when we look at their boobs or something c'mon with that top you're asking for it
  • guys: oh my god a gay guy just hit on me how fucking disgusting what a creeper doesn't he have any boundaries?

Moving on

I’ve avoided everything I possibly can since my second date with Graham that might even slightly remind me of the night. I’m not too upset about how things turned out that night. I’m just a little hung up on the idea that maybe this could’ve been finally my chance at a relationship and maybe love. Since I haven’t experienced either.
I believe that’s the reason I get attached easily to guys in the first place. Maybe not for love, but probably because I just want to know what it’s all about to have a relationship and why so many people and their mothers are all about it. I feel as if I at least need to “try” it out once.
But maybe I’ll always be that friend with great relationship advice for others, that leads a very awkward single life herself.
On a related note, I have deleted my online dating profile. I only went on dates with two people from it, and it seems it was two too many. Though, I am happy for the experiences. I’ve learned my lesson however, and I just need to accept that I cannot will myself into a relationship. I just need to focus on myself and work on myself. If I find a guy that’s willing to stick around through my crazy, spastic, awkward, childish and intense periods, great!

-Jackie

The question, folks, is not if I can meet a suitable guy. Rather, it’s if I will ever find a guy that I won’t fuck things up with? Will I ever love myself enough to be able to allow myself into a relationship that I won’t sabotage? Will I ever make myself happy? Will I ever stop doing things to hurt myself?

I got drunk. He invited me over. I went over. Hung out in his bathroom feeling sick. He said, “I do have to work tomorrow…” I left. I hate myself.

Reply

 yoshichic: Yeah you’re right. You should be on guard and just see how he continues to be. More dates can help you see what his intentions are. Best wishes :) 

You’re absolutely right! I have a feeling he’s going to ask me to come over again tonight when I see him. I can’t decide yet if he’s just asking because he’s “just a guy” and he figures well, might as well ask. Or if he’s really just a sleaze ball. I guess if he’s super persistent, it’ll be the latter. 

I’ll update on that later. 

Reply

yoshichic says, “I think it’s good he sent you a text, because it shows that he’s thinking about you.” 

Thank you for the feedback! I wish I could think positively like you can. But I must admit, I’m a little jaded. I can’t help but swirl around a bitter taste from the fact that he keeps asking me to go back to his place. First of all he texted me Saturday night after midnight. Before I even engaged in a conversation with him I knew he was drunk texting me. Granted, he was thinking about me, but I would rather have gotten a text the next morning at a more decent hour. 

I don’t know..maybe I’m just a little jaded and mistrusting of men, but I can’t help it, because I really can provide good reasons for thinking the way I do. 

I guess, it’s better for me to be on my guard than to be blind sided by yet another terrible experience with dating a guy. 

mssapple asked: You're an amazing writer and I'm hooked right off the bat from your 1st Date With Graham post. Wishing you luck and I can't wait to share your journey!

Thank you so much! I didn’t want to give just a boring old review of a date. Plus, as corny as it is to some, my date actually felt so magical and intoxicating I could think of no other way of sharing it with everyone besides telling it like a story. 

Thank you again, for the luck and I hope that if nothing else, my journey into the world of dating is a little insightful, and little hilarious. 

Graham

Date #1

I entered into the subway, sweaty and out of breath. My hair stuck to my forehead and slick sweat covered my face, neck and pooled slightly under my armpits. I had on a black tank, a beige shimmery skirt, and black pumps. The time was 7:18, I knew I would be late. I couldn’t do much about it, and getting worked up over the fact that the E train for some reason refused to come wasn’t going to help. All I could think of at the time was the air conditioning on the train. 

At 53rd and Lex, I got stares from people. Either I looked really good, or really terrible and stupid. I assumed the latter and just hoped that I hadn’t magically gotten my period and have a terrible, big, angry, red dot on my skirt. I was beginning to get really nervous, having people stare at me didn’t help at all. Once on the long escalator ride up, I took my phone out to see if maybe Graham had texted me. He hadn’t. I shoved my phone into my purse and looked tentatively past herds of people to see if maybe it had began raining. It hadn’t. As I exited the subway I was taken aback by the strong gusts of wind outside. My hair wasn’t tied and it danced in every which direction with the wind. As I turned the corner, I felt a few drops of rain, and opened up my umbrella. Good thing too, within the next thirty seconds it began pouring. I got a text then from Graham, “Hey, I got a table downstairs!” I got drenched up to my knees. And the rain was so heavy, I couldn’t find the restaurant; didn’t help that it was so tiny. 

Finally I found it across the street and crossed over to it. I walked right past the entrance to where I thought it was and as I realized I was wrong, I abruptly stopped in my tracks and turned towards the window. And for a second, I locked eyes with Graham. There he was. As adorable as I ever pictured he could be in person! It was him, I just knew it. My stomach dropped, and I was all of a sudden so embarrassed. I entered the restaurant and put my umbrella by the door, and didn’t look towards him at all (he wasn’t even three feet away from me). I guess I was just stalling for a little more time. I needed to compose myself. Finally, I turned around, and as he looked at me, I gave him a big, brave smile. He got up, and gave me a hug and a, “Hi! How are you?” To which I lamely replied..”Drenched!” 

After that initial exchange, forcing myself to not be a shy idiot, yelling at myself to try and ignore how cute he was and just focus on the conversation I finally “got over” my shyness. We took forever to order because we couldn’t stop talking long enough to look over the menu (which makes me very happy). We spent close to two hours at the tiny, hole-in-the-wall, restaurant. The conversation was continuous and easy, the food delicious, and wine sweet and intoxicating (or maybe that was just my company!). 

After dinner, we decided to go to a speakeasy on the upper east side. On our way to the train station, it was still raining, and he didn’t have his umbrella (how convenient). We shared mine, and he put his arm around me, and eventually held my hand. And you know what? It felt like the most natural thing to do. 

At the speakeasy I got just one drink, and he had..a lot. But he can handle his liquor! He had quite a bit to drink that night, and he was perfectly fine. Anyway, at some point I walked past him to look into the other room to see if we could sit down somewhere and as I was walking past again, he just wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in for a kiss. Oh boy. It wasn’t bad, it was nice. It was sweet, it was gentle and it was encouraging. We finished up our drinks and went outside for a smoke (we’re both trying to quit we discovered). Sitting on a stoop, giggling and talking, he kissed me again. I felt like I was melting, and the feeling was so overwhelming and new to me, I had to pull away. We went inside, he got two shots, which I promptly refused. He drank them both, closed out the tab as I sipped on my water. He kissed me again, and we left the bar. We walked hand in hand back to the station and he told me he’d like to see me again, and we kissed goodbye. 

We’ve been talking ever since, and I do like him. Although, I’ve been getting a little turned off from him because he keeps inviting me over. I told my sister about it and she said that a lot of guys are just like that. True or not, I don’t like it. And just because it’s “expected” of guys to behave that way, doesn’t make it okay. Graham is great, really. I like everything about him so far, I just wish he’d quit asking me to come over so soon. We’ve only been on one date. Tell me what you think about guys asking girls over so soon? Is it just an age thing? Or do older men do the same? And, do you think it’s okay? 

Anyway, I’ll be seeing him tomorrow I think. He asked me when I’d be free and I told him tomorrow night is the only night I’ll be free because I’m working all weekend, so maybe we should wait till next week (because he wanted to meet up Thursday night). To which he responded, “I might be able to do tomorrow. Let me see how early I can get out [of work].” So…yeah..we’ll see. I’ve heard that if a guy really wants to see you, he’ll find a way to see you..

Success!

So I can’t write too much about it because it’s almost 2 in the morning and I have to be up early for my work but, my second date was MAGICAL.

It went great! Graham is a cute, intelligent, and funny guy. We have things in common like music, which to me is a big deal and we have somewhat the same outlook on life.

I’ll talk all about the date in detail in my next post! Stay tuned!

P.S. I signed onto f&d specifically to write a short post on the date, and just as I opened the text window to start typing, I got a text from Graham! I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday, and it’s 1:26am. Is that good or bad?

Date #2 

Graham 

Second date from the online dating site is tonight. And I woke up with a pimple! I feel like my body just thinks it’s hilarious to break out into a pimple today of all days. I don’t usually break out on my face. Maybe once in a blue moon, and of course that moon had to show it’s face today! 

I’ve been a little more excited about this date than I was my first one. I’ve also been texting him since yesterday and he seems just as eager and excited for the date as I am. 

Hopefully he isn’t too put off my acne sitch, and we have a great time, and see each other again! He’s so adorable, and smart. I hope he didn’t lie about his height too, because tonight, I’ll be wearing heels!